Letter to my miracle

I have been searching for you for an eternity. I have dreamt about you and hold you in my dreaming arms. I have loved you ever since I first thought of you.
I just haven't met you.

I wait for you and try for you. I search and cry and hope. I pray and scream and doubt.
I think of you all the time.

I might have doubts, but I have faith in God. I might ask why, but I pray again for you. I might feel empty, but I'm not alone. I might worry about money, but all of it will be worth it and more.
I will see you some day.

I am not alone. Your dad is here with me, waiting for you, for us. He prays for you, and hopes for you. He is here for me while we wait so I don't feel alone. He has the biggest heart and the biggest love.
He will hold you with the most tender love.

I am not alone. God is holding our hands even though we don't see Him. He listens to my doubts and my cries. He dries my tears with your dad's hands. He understands and smiles. He knows I am fine and will be fine. He knows my pain and knows it will end. I can feel Him there, planning for you, helping us walk towards you.
He will bring you to us.

I am not alone. Your family is here waiting for you. They are impatient to meet you, and ask for you. They hug us and embrace us, and make us feel better. They lets us know they are here for us and it's not a one person journey. You are shaping their life too. You are making them see the world in different colours. You have touched their hears already, just imagine once you are here!
They will adore you.

You are loved, prayed for, hoped for, searched for. Someday we will meet you and you will know the biggest love anyone has known. Because I am not alone, and you will never be alone. I don't know when I will meet you, or if I will get to carry you.
All I know is that we love you and wait for you.

Video about infertility

The fertility clinic I go to shared a video today about infertility, what it is, facts and myths, causes and treatments, and I enjoyed it very much.

I thought it would be a good video to share here for anyone that is interested in learning a bit more, or that would like to share it with friends and family.

To go to youtube and watch it press here

Enjoy!

Another failed IUI

Yesterday I got my results again. Negative.

I thought I was prepared. I thought that I had hope but was ready to hear the negative. I thought I could handle it. And then it happened. I cried, and cried, and cried so hard I was shaking. I cried so hard that J had to remind me to breathe. I cried so hard I thought I would never stop. We called my mom a bit later and cried to her. My sister came up on the video and cried to her too. We went to J's parents and I cried again. Right now I'm crying inside.

My heart is so broken I don't know what to do. I'm of course giving me time and not making any rash decisions, but I'm lost on what to do. I'm happy that everyone in my family made sure to tell me not to think of them as a reason to have kids, and that they will love me even if we never do have kids. I needed to hear that, again and again.

I already feel as a failure. Yesterday I said I hated my body. I wondered what had I done wrong. I asked God why he hadn't given me this one Christmas miracle.

Today I think of adoption, of IVF, of living child-free. But how do I make this decision? How can I decide something so big and know it's the right decision? How can I live in peace with whatever we decide?... I said I wanted to try only one IVF. Today I woke up thinking of 2 or 3, but they are so costly I don't know how I would pay for them. I woke up thinking of adoption but am I sure that I am ready for this step? and child-free? I'm sure I am not ready for that one. That one brings me to my knees in desperation.

I don't know how to ask anymore. I don't know how to beg anymore. I don't know how to pray anymore.

This is my fertility treatment so far:
* Investigative cycle with Astra Fertility somewhere in 2009. Relax and it will happen.
* Investigative cycle with Karma Fertility February 2014. Unexplained Infertility.
* IUI #1 with Letrozol, Gonal F, HCG and Endometrin, July 2014
* IUI #2 with Letrozol, Gonal F, HCG and Endometrin, August 2014
* IUI #3 with Gonal F, Cetrotide, HCG and Endometrin, November-December 2014
* IVF #1 with Gonal F, Cetrotide, HCG, Doxycyclline, and Endometrin, 2015.

Counselling

A couple of weeks ago I went to an infertility workshop. I went by myself because I didn't think J would get much out of it, and would probably be targeted to share, which is not his comfort zone.

In total there were 2 couples, another girl and me. It was interesting to see the range of places we were all coming from. Multiple miscarriages, secondary infertility, problems of some kind, and me, unknown. I was also the only one that had gone through this in a previous marriage and the journey had a very huge impact in that relationship.

The social worker had a ton of things that were very good to hear, like telling us that it was perfectly normal to feel it was our fault (even though it's not), or to feel envious of people with kids, or to get scared every time we go to the washroom, or to feel so deeply sad when we get our periods.

At the end I made an appointment to meet individually with her. I went last week and after hearing part of my story she said "you have gone through a lot" (and I haven't finished!). I get to go again tomorrow, to keep sharing. Besides that I also got two wonderful things out of the workshop.

We are divided in the intelligent self and the emotional self, and that is ok.
- The intelligent self is the one that knows is not our fault. The emotional self blames itself.
- The intelligent self knows the innocent but painful comments were coming from an innocent place. The emotional self hurts and cries and screams.
- The intelligent self plans, works on it, and keeps going. The emotional self cries, hurts.

It has helped me dearly to explain to people why I now cry every day. It has helped me understand myself and give me a break when I blame myself. I  am allow to blame myself, just as long as I come back to my intelligent self and know it's not my fault, there is nothing I can do, and forgive me for blaming me.

The other thing that really helped me was a quote she had at the end of the presentation. I found the quote online here if you want to read the whole article. Here is the part that made me cry:

"These current days of pain and heartache will become your past some day. Healing will happen. It may come about by becoming pregnant and having a baby. It may come about by adopting the child meant to be in your home. It may come about by focusing on a future of living life childfree. You will be forever changed but you will heal from the wound of infertility"

How do you respond?

How do you respond to people when they make comments about your nonexistent kids? How do you respond when you just want to get up and walk away? How do you respond when you have no words left?

I trained to answer the famous question "do you have kids?". I could answer something that would shock people, I could also tell them something like "I can't" and watch them fall silently, but I always answer the same reliable way "not yet".

The problem is the people that have the need to follow up that answer. I have heard a few "don't wait too long", sure, let me start right here and now, "they are worth it/so wonderful", thank you for letting me know, I had no idea!. Today was "you should try it". Good idea! Didn't think of it, wanna talk about trying? I bet you didn't try, it just happened. No one that FIGHTS for this makes that type of comments. Oh, and by the way, "try", what happens if I don't like it?

Sigh...

I'm just so tired, damn if I do, damn if I don't. I don't know how to pray for it anymore. I don't know how to wait anymore. I don't know how I can sit, smile, and move on anymore. That's what I did and now I just want to cry. I just want to know! And I know I don't get to know, not yet.

I'm on my third cycle of IUI. I already had the insemination, and had 2 eggs when I ovulated. It seems like my estrogen was a bit higher too. I also started therapy/counseling, and I'm constantly busy. Yet, I feel like there is an eternity until next Saturday when I get to find out again. I imagine myself sad at the bad news. I imagine myself happy at the news. But I actually feel empty. Imagining me happy doesn't make me happy. Imagining me sad feels like a movie rerun.

And yet, I wait. I wait and wonder how to respond and if I should try it.

Picture perfect

I volunteer every other Sunday at church with babies. Me and a friend spend the whole service holding, playing and cuddling little babies while their parents get an hour for themselves.

I thought it would be really hard, but it actually feels good. It doesn't make me feel better but it doesn't make me feel worse either. It just feels good to care for them and give their parents a little peace of mind. On the other hand, its much harder when guys are holding babies or playing with them. Could be because it breaks the gender stereotype? Its not hard for me to understand it, its hard for me to see it and not feel pain for J or my dad, or my dad in law.

I'm sooo happy J is not the kind of guy that loves to hold babies. When he plays with kids he is fabulous and I still wish he can do that with our own, but at least it doesn't hurt as much as it does with my dad. My dad loves holding babies, and every time I see his face with one that is not our own, it breaks my heart in a million pieces.

Sometimes I wish my sisters would marry and get pregnant so it makes my parents happy, and so I can have nieces and nephews to adore. Sometimes my sisters getting pregnant when I can't is my worse nightmare. I don't know how I'll handle that, and if I'll have to. For now I put it back at a hidden place in my heart, wish for the best for them, and I'll handle it when/if I have to.

For now I work on taking care of other people's babies without the desire of kidnapping one for myself. I know at the end of the day I wouldn't do something like that, but I think its the easy way to explain how much desire for one I have.

Innocent comments go wrong, or how not to talk with your not-yet-fertile friend

What kind of campaign would take for people to become more sensitive to fertility problems? Would that ever succeed? Would it ever be better?

I feel like the victim that needs to learn how to live with insensitive comments of how it was my fault. There is nothing I can do to completely get away from them unless I stay at home and never get out again. It has gotten better since I stopped hanging out with friends with kids, but how do you handle being with family?

The other day we were at a lunch with J's family. They had all 3 kids quite frankly "too easy". Nothing against it and I'm happy for them (and for me, they have wonderful kids) but my own mother in law says she cannot relate to me as they got pregnant very easily. Anyhow, we are there and we started counting years of this and years of that. Like, we have been married this many years, and comparisons between the couples. (BIG mistake)

My husband says something like "I got married younger than you did" to his dad and, like a knife to the heart that you see coming and can't stop, his dad said "We had kids faster than you". 

...

I don't know if anyone else even noticed, as the conversation just continued, but I am still hurting, and it was quite a few days ago. I know he didn't do it out of malice, or on purpose, but it hurts. It's not like we are doing it on purpose. And how can I not feel responsible? Would J be a dad already if he were with someone else? I would like to think that no one could make him as happy as me, and I know he loves me so much he doesn't have kids as a condition of us being together, but still hurts, for me and for him.

How can you get used to it? Is it possible?

Afraid.

So long perfectly timed periods, it was nice knowing you. It has been so long having periods between 26 and 30 days that I actually forgot when that wasn't a constant. Since I stopped the fertility drugs I had a 25 day period (which caught me by surprise and stressed me too much) and this month, a horribly 33 day one.

I kept insisting to myself I knew I wasn't pregnant, the probabilities were not on my side, but come on! 3 days late? It was really hard to convince myself at that point, I started having hope, I started to think it might actually have worked.

I had already decided on Friday that I would go buy a pregnancy test after work. I would do it and I would be ok, but what if it was negative? I could not handle a negative that day, not when I have been apart from J for so long (2 weeks at that point and still counting). But it had been already 33 days! it had to be.

I had a call with J just when I was going to the washroom, that Friday around 3pm, so I decided to wait and talk with him. I was being difficult and we both knew it, he just didn't know why. He asked, I said I wouldn't tell him, and then, like 2 minutes later I start crying. I cried to him on the phone, in a completely different continent, and said "we might be pregnant". He calmed me down, we finished talking and I finally went to the washroom to discover that NO, we were not pregnant.

Was it the crying? Was it that I had my legs crossed for so long? Was something I ate? or something I should have eaten? Is this normal? What did I do??????.... I'm still trying to convince myself that I wasn't pregnant, period. It wasn't something I did or didn't do, I would.just.not.get.pregnant like that.

I'm half better because at least I know. I'm half better because I know logically that I wasn't pregnant to start. I'm half better because I know we are doing another fertility round next month.

But yet again I'm just half better aren't I? I'm scared out of my mind to think about next month and what will happen. I'm even scared of how scary it is for each end of the month even when you are convinced it's not going to happen. I'm scared of not knowing when enough is enough. I'm scared because I don't know how I'm ever going to feel completely good if we don't have children.

I have hope I will be ok. I have hope God will shine a light and give us a happy life with or without kids. I have a wonderful husband and a wonderful family. I'm healthy. I can't complain about anything else, and I'm very grateful about that. So I stick with scared. I'm not mad or depressed, but I am very scared.

Next steps

Yesterday we had the appointment with the doctor to talk about the results of the 2 IUI and talk about the next steps. Turns out that my oestrogen wasn't the greatest. The first time I had 3 eggs and the second time I had 2, but both time the oestrogen was barely good enough to support one egg.

Among all the medications I was taking the first 2 times, the Letrozol is supposed to reduce the level of oestrogen in the body. From what I understood, this is done to protect the body from hyper stimulating with the other drugs. Keep the level of oestrogen low, give other drugs to bring it to the perfect level, do the insemination with just the right amount of eggs and hormones. She says the effects of the Letrozol should be gone after 3 or 4 days.

The next step? We are doing another IUI without the Letrozol, and with a new drug for me, that will keep my body from ovulating (don't have the name handy right now). One of 3 things could happen: the perfect one would be that my levels of oestrogen get better, we do the insemination and I get pregnant. The bad one would be that all of that still happens but I don't get pregnant, in which case next time we'll do an IVF. The third one would be that my levels of oestrogen go so high that my body hyper stimulates and the doctor won't do an insemination because of the risk of multiples, so we turn it into an IVF at that moment.

We are taking this cycle and next one to get mentally and financially ready and maybe go for it in November. It's hard, but I'm trying to concentrate in the outcome and not the struggle that will be to go through all of it again.

Another day, another month

And the first month without trying has passed. At the beginning it was really hard just in general, feeling all depressed, and getting rid of all the drugs in my body. Then it got easier mentally, and all I had left was the struggle not to count the days, not to keep track of how many times and which days we had had sex. It was all followed by the constant nagging and internal struggle of "is forgetting about everything going to work?", "it's the fact I'm not sleeping well good news?", "does this count as really forgetting about getting pregnant?". So freaking hard.

I spent the last 3 weeks not sleeping well. Still can't sleep well! I have no clue what's going on, just keep waking up constantly with no reason. I have tried everything, from going to bed REALLY late, to buying a new pillow, air conditioner off, air conditioner on, valeriana root, everything. I had hope, all I could hope for was that it was a symptom, but I didn't set myself in it, just had that tiny bit of light hope.

Now the month is over, maybe because of the drugs, or maybe it's random, but my 26 to 30 days I had been having for these past years turned into 25 days. Not only was I not prepared mentally but also physically. I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch something, I don't want to hear one more person mention that someone else got pregnant while taking a break from the clinics.

I have an appointment next week with the doctor to talk about IVF. I don't know what to expect, but I'm waiting distracted, this wait doesn't have all the crying all the other months had. This month my tears are gone.

I see the light...

I see the light, and it makes me happy. After many days of crying, I can finally see the light. I don't have the answers, nothing has changed in our plans or our lives, but I can see it now.

I am finally doing what I love. Went back to the piano and even started learning Portuguese. I feel like doing things out of the house, and even clean! I don't have to wake up to go to the doctor every day, don't have to take pills and the thermometer is away in a drawer. I have no idea what day of my cycle is or if I'm ovulating. I just see the things I like to do and the people I love.

I don't see one light, I see many different possibilities. I have a safe line to a counselor anytime I need it. I have my wonderful husband that told me in those bad days that it was ok to cry, that it was ok to be sad for as long as I needed to, as long as I came back to him happy in the end. As long as I got it all out of my system in a good way, processed everything and came back to being the happy person I am, that sees the little things in life and thanks for them.

I am going back to church, taking care of my plants, cooking things that takes mixing of more than 3 ingredients, letting go of the things that didn't make me happy. Even the water of my water lilies is looking clearer, and my house is feeling more like a home than ever.

I blame it on the drugs. I do want the same things, and I will go back to the drugs if that's whats needed, but for now, I see the light and I'm happy. I can say it this time not to finish my blog in a good note or to convince myself, but with all the conviction behind it. I am happy.

It's a negative

I can't even think of a title for this post, although I am sure I'll come up with something before publishing. The IUI didn't work. Got the call a few hours ago, heard "It was negative" and made an appointment to see the doctor in a month. We are going to take a break of trying for a while, save some money and try an IVF.

I am happy we have a decision. I am happy we are taking a break and getting my body back, being able to wake up whenever I want to, being able to forget about medicines and injections. I am happy we are going to try something with a little more success rate in the future.

I am not happy it didn't work. I am not happy that we'll have to spend more money. I am not happy that we still don't know if I can get pregnant. I am not happy that I have to wait. I am not happy to tell everyone that it didn't work (so I told 2 people besides J and they can help me spread the word to the immediate family and close friends).

During my last two months this was my itinerary:

• Day 1: Call the clinic and tell them I am having my period (yeay!?)
• Day 3: Go to the clinic with a full bladder and have an ultrasound, empty bladder and have a vaginal ultrasound, get blood work done.
• Day 3 - Day 7: Take Letrozol pills every day at the same time.
• Day 6 - Day 9/10 (Until follicles are mature and oestrogen levels are good): Vaginal ultrasound, blood work and Gonal injections every day in the morning.
• Day 9/10: Inject HCG at night to induce ovulation.
• Day 10/11: Vaginal ultrasound and blood work.
• Day 11/12: (36 hours after HCG): Vaginal ultrasound, blood work, and intrauterine insemination is done.
• Day 12/13: Vaginal ultrasound and blood work
• Day 12/13 and for two weeks: Vaginal suppositories of Endometrin 3 times a day.
• Day 19/20: Blood work to check Progesterone levels.
• Day 26/27: Blood work to check for Pregnancy.
• Day 26/27 and until I get my period again: Get my negative result, decide what to do, repeat again?.

This next month: whatever we want, whenever we want it.

I don't have to worry about the food I eat, or the type of exercise I do. I don't have to worry what day it is and I won't be taking my temperature first thing in the morning every morning. I will try to forget we are trying to conceive and will enjoy our time, our health and the people and things we have. I will probably read about IVF and will still probably have a few sad moments thinking about this, but at the end: I'll go back to seeing the happy things in my life and continue walking.

Chiquitita

This song is absolutely perfect. (The translation is not perfect though but good enough :-))

Let me tell you all the things that make this song so perfect for me:

1. I remember growing up with this song. Didn't know what it said in English, but I knew "chiquitita" and it sounded like a very happy song. I also kinda remember my parents calling me this a few times before.

2. After telling J what the title meant and how much I like this song, he told me he wishes he can one day call his daughter chiquitita.

3. After listening to the song and the lyrics a good while ago, I already thought it was a really nice happy song that could be applied in many situations.

4. This song makes me cry and makes me smile now. I can sing it to myself, I can sing it from God's perspective, I can sing it from anyone to me and make me feel better.

I sing it when I want to make me smile and look at the sky shining above me.

I sing it when in my eyes there is no hope for tomorrow and I want to tell myself to try once more.

I hear the piano and the instruments and it makes me dance once more.

Even when the tears are rolling down my cheeks I can tell myself "try once more like you did before. Sing a new song, Chiquitita", and know I am not alone and many people are singing this for me.

And my hope for tomorrow? That there is a chiquitita growing up inside me.

Yesterday I cried

And the record didn't last the whole cycle!. Saturday night I had a dream, all I can remember is the shortest dream. Me, holding a toddler, and not wanting to let go. Hugging her/him tight and saying "I don't want to let go". I then woke up, not wanting to let go.

I think it was caused because I told J that I was thinking of giving up, maybe adoption is the way to go. He said again he didn't want to talk about it, and I reminded him that he never wants to talk about it. He always has hope and I love him for that, he always hope that this treatment will work, this will be the one. I am never so sure. At the end he talked, he said "I am not ready to give up". It broke my heart and put it back together with those simple words "I'm not ready to give up". I shouldn't be either. I thought I was, but clearly the dream showed me I wasn't.

So, I woke up, kept having off and on dreams, forget about it and start my day. Then all of a sudden, during the morning, the dream comes full force. I want to cry but J is not here. I made a deal with him years ago, I'm not allowed to cry by myself. I am alone at the moment. I go out of the house, seat in the heat of the day, in front of neighbours so I don't cry, I wait for him. As soon as he gets home he knows. He asked me "are you ok?".

I cried.

I cried and cried and told him about the dream. I told him I wasn't ready to hear the news this Wednesday. I don't feel pregnant and I don't want to hear another negative. I cry some more and he does what he does best. He hugs me the whole time, he kiss me, he says all the best things and one or two jokes on the perfect spots. He makes me smile, and feel better and we go on.

The day goes by and everything is fine, but I keep getting in a bad mood and don't know why. It's almost time for bed and I had decided it was time to make plans for the week (we need to have a Wednesday night plan, celebration or feeling bad for ourselves, always have a plan), and we should talk about what to do if it fails. Another IUI? IVF? Rest?. I am ready to talk, and then I'm not. I can't even open my mouth. J gets worried. I make myself say everything, not a conversation, just a speech about all the things I wanted to talk about and not longer want to even mention.

And then I cried. I cried and cried some more. I don't want to know. I want to know. I don't want to take a rest because it might be better to just do another one in a row. I want to take a rest because this hurts too much. I cried because it was the second time in the day crying. I cried because I don't think is going to work. I cried because I didn't have any plans for Wednesday. I cried because I should be happy I have a healthy family that loves me and I love, and I should not be asking for more. I cried because I want this too much.

I cried because each tear is part of my love. I love her/him too much.

Today I wait. Tomorrow I'll wait some more. Wednesday will be another story.

The famous 2 weeks wait and my sanity

Last month, going through my first IUI, I found this article by Dr. Sigal Klipstein: Tips to help you stay sane while waiting for your pregnancy test results.

It helped me a lot and it keeps helping me. Reading that my crying outbursts won't hurt our chances, or that the jump I did in my Zumba classes is not going to hurt the pregnancy if there is one, or that I'm not a bad person for not wanting to talk about it with friends and family if I don't feel like it.

When you are going through something like this, and specially during those 2 waiting weeks, you can drive yourself insane thinking anything you do could affect the pregnancy chances.

Last week I had a horrible headache and I just left it all afternoon because I didn't know if I could take Tylenol. By the moment my mother in law saw me, asked, and told me to please take the Tylenol because it would be fine, I was even looking flushed. Not taking the pills and staying with the pain might even be worse, but here I was, making stuff up about what might be harmful and trying to be in a glass bubble just in case.

Go out, live your life, cry if you want to, exercise. It will be OK! What is meant to be will be, even when is so hard to believe :-)

77 million... or one

Already had my second round of Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) with a count of 77 million inseminated, and hoping for the one guy to make it through.  I got to hear that two follicles ovulated so, does that mean we have double the chance? Now the waiting game starts. I don't have to go every day to the doctor and my arm has a chance to heal. I start taking Progesterone 3 times a day so I don't forget about it, and have to behave as a pregnant woman would do (no sushi!!).

I will look again for the one post I found about the 2 waiting weeks that saved my sanity and share it here. What's allowed and what's not? How can I manage the stress of the wait? Did it work? Would I do it again if it didn't? Does it increase my chances that this is the second time in a row?

We take it one day at a time, and hope for the best. Maybe this is our time, maybe this time it will work.

Talking myself out of it

I debated posting this after the love one, but at the end decided it shows perfectly the two faces or ambivalence of this process.

The thing is, when I like something, if I see it's something I want but I cannot have, I talk myself out of it. I find the little things I don't like, all the reasons it would not work, or I actually convince myself I really didn't like it that much. It's funny but it has worked for as long I can remember.

Not being able to get pregnant yet has made me do this. I catch myself sometimes thinking that I don't want to change diapers, or that I can go to Europe if I don't get pregnant, or I can sleep and play video games all I want. Feelings get all mixed and fumbled because I get really divided between "I want to have children", "having children would be hard and maybe I don't really want them" and of course, the inevitable "if I even think for a second that I might not want children, it may make it happen and I won't be able to have children, stop thinking like that!".

I become a complete mess when this happens and normally causes one of the famous crying outbursts I have. Does it happen to you? Convincing yourself that you might really not want it that much? The material things and trips are easy. I can convince myself and move on, but this? I cannot convince myself of moving on with not having children, I want them too much, but it's almost like a defence mechanism at this point. From time to time I will put up the defences and think I don't want this, and then I have to work on tearing them down easily, so as not to break myself in the process.

My defences have been down this week. I am fighting for this as much as I can, and so far I have a no-crying record of 2 weeks! :-)

Love...

There are not many words I can use to describe the love I feel for someone that still doesn't exist. Loving someone so deeply and with so much yearning, someone that still doesn't exist, someone I am still searching for. I can understand the parents that say they know a love bigger than themselves; loving someone more than yourself.

The people that really know me can believe I already know that love. I already love my "Amanda" more than words can say. It's a love a long time coming and a long time waiting. It's what drives me forward, what makes me try one more time, what makes me cry so much, what makes me dream so much.

I'll keep loving, dreaming and searching. Because Amanda and Miguel are worth it.

Don't ask, don't tell

I have a policy with the family members that know about our fertility/infertility adventures: Don't ask.

We haven't told many people because I don't want them asking me how everything is going. I don't want too many people know month to month if a fertility treatment failed, and I don't want to be reminded of it when I am blessed with the few minutes of day of not torturing myself thinking about it.

Friends even more. Those years ago I told friends and I got too hear too many times the famous "It was really hard for me to get pregnant too, it took us 3 months!". Yeah, 3 months vs 5 years, sure, lets talk about how bad you felt during those 3 months. Or the wonderful "Oh, I wanted to have a kid in December so we planned it just right and and (s)he was born almost the day I wanted and just one week different than my niece! so now they can play together". Wow, you got to decide which month you wanted to have the baby and even coordinate with someone else. Thanks for reminding me that I probably don't know what I'm doing, because it sounds too easy and I am still trying.

So that's the new policy, "don't ask, don't tell". I know it's really hard for our parents. My mom has me calculated to the day, "how are you honey?" comes in as a text the exact days something big is happening during the treatment. And my mother in law has been more quiet but you can still see it in her eyes that she wants to know. They are supporting us, they are there for us, and I appreciate it immensely. I know I can talk with them any time I need, but for now, radio silence is more comfortable. Telling the world anonymously, at my time, when I need it, it's much better than those 2 minutes of bliss interrupted by a "how is the fertility treatment going?".

In time I'll tell.

A name without power

I have a confession to make. My name is not Amanda (but I'm happy for everyone to keep using it to address me). The name I am using, Amanda Miguel, are the names I wanted to name my kids.

My husband and me mentioned baby names since we were dating, and it was funny how we both loved the same names. Specially Amanda, that was my special name, the one name I had no doubts and that was perfect in every single way. After 5 years wanting that name, a family member had a daughter and called her Amanda. I was crushed. That was my name, no one in the family had it, it was perfect in both Spanish and English and I had it reserved for all these years. The thing is, he didn't know about it, and I had no kid to give the name to.

Miguel is a similar story, no one has used it yet, but I was in constant "fear" when a family member got pregnant they would take that name too. It was like they were robbing me of having a baby. I know it's not true, but infertility makes you a little bit insane.

So, that's how I decided to take the power away from the name. Use it in my blog, get called that, make it something that I can use right now and not something that keeps waiting. Make it something mine and special instead of keeping it in my heart as a "maybe". Take the power away from the name.

I think it's working, because at the very least I don't feel like I have been robbed anymore. I don't feel like mentioning the name is reminding me of the children I don't have. I can enjoy the name, and surprisingly the combination, without having to wait. If I get to have kids in the future I don't know if I will use the names, maybe I still will, but for now I am Amanda Miguel, and the name doesn't hold any power over me anymore.

My body is no longer mine

I have heard from pregnant women that they feel like their body is no longer theirs. They are sharing it with a tiny person that makes then feel all sorts of different. The body changes physically and it changes your mood. I thought I understood what they were saying, and that I would probably feel the same way pregnant.

Well, fertility drugs make you feel the same way, even when you are missing the baby's kicks, and you can't blame cravings on someone else. In less than a week I had forgotten how different the fertility drugs make me feel. It's not only the constant exams, pills and injections making you feel like an object, but also the effects those pills and injections have on your body.

I am constantly sleepy and falling sleep. I am the type of person that is normally falling sleep by 10pm and awake by 6am even on weekends. During the treatment I am falling sleep before 9pm and sleep after 8am if I can. I know for some people this is not such a long sleep, but come on! asleep before 9pm I feel like a little kid.

Drugs and sex. Another great example of not feeling like my body is mine. Last month I took 4 different drugs during the treatment, and they completely changed the way I felt about sex I either wanted it all the time or spent days on end not wanting it at all, depending of the drug of the moment. I get that we all have cycles, but when the drugs are the ones in charge it makes you wonder if you are ever going to go back to "normal", whatever your normal might be.

Am I pregnant symptoms. I don't know which one is less fun, really, falling sleep, sex on the wire or all the pregnancy symptoms. I got nauseous, my breasts hurt even when walking, I was crying constantly, and I had very weird cravings. All of these while also falling sleep everywhere and be on the sexual wire. By the end of the cycle, after accumulating all these symptoms, I wasn't sure I was still me or I was just a baby vessel.

The fun is here again and after asking my husband if it was the same last month he said "not this bad". LOL. I guess accumulating drugs would also "enhance" the effects. Even though I'm not looking forward to all the crappy feelings, I'm facing this month as more of a challenge. Bring it on!

Living up to expectations

I'll venture a wide statement and say most people find it hard to live up to expectations. The expectations other people have of you, and the ones you have of yourself.

As common as it is for people to expect something of you as a daughter or son, as an employee or employer, as husband or wife, and everything in between, my problem is the one people have about you as a woman and being pregnant. You have to be able to get pregnant, period. You have to be able to do it when you want to, period. If you are having problems, don't worry, every one knows someone that had trouble and were able to get pregnant.

I talked with my mom last week and after I told her I was having issues reconciling that the first IUI hadn't worked, she told me not to worry, "with technology now days women are having kids even in their forties!". I know she is trying to make me feel good and all, but when you are feeling crappy, there is no much escape. I told her with all the technology and I still couldn't get pregnant yet. It hurt me to hear her fall silent to that and told her that I still had hope, that I wasn't giving up.

Then it was my mother in law. She told me not to worry, because she has a friend that was going through all sort of treatments to get pregnant at a fertility clinic and nothing was working. The clinic closed during the summer (which clinic does that?!) and she got pregnant that summer with no help from the clinic. That's great for her, and I love my mother in law for trying to make me feel better, but it just feels like more pressure (even though I know she is not doing it on purpose). It feels like I would disappoint her if I don't get pregnant next time I take a break.

To top it off, there is the grandparents wanting to see great-grandchildren, and the wedding I went to where people were asking the bride and groom who would be changing diapers and/or choosing the baby's name. Guess what? not everyone wants to have kids and not everyone can have kids. Stop asking that type of question until at least a baby is REALLY a possibility.

For now, I started my second IUI round. Blood work, ultrasounds, pills, right arm so bruised I look like a drug addict, and mood swings. Welcome all to my life the next few weeks. I will try to live up to your (and mine) expectations one more time, and see what the result will be. Meanwhile I'll be planning weekends away and sushi time!

The ghosts are out

People say that you see what you want to see, which can be proven by the wonderful pastime of cloud watching :-)

There is also its counterpart, where you find everywhere the very thing you least want to see. If you are afraid of rats, they will show up to you. If you freak out about hair in the food, you will be the one with the one hair in it.

I think infertility produces the second kind. You see pregnant women, or little babies everywhere. All your friends are having babies, you get invited to all these baby showers, and of course there is always at least one unplanned pregnancy too. If you manage to survive the wave (always worse in your hardest moments), then you get all the kid's parties and still all the pregnant women (they don't stop!). There is no escape.

So we have random pregnant women, and pregnant friends with their little kids. If you manage to avoid those, be prepared for the world news! These past 2 weeks I have seen the largest number of news about parents killing, torturing or abandoning their kids. Here I am, fighting tooth and nail to have one, and these people don't have a care in the world for theirs. Why do they get the opportunity and fail miserably and I don't get the chance to give someone a hopefully wonderful life?

Those sort of questions bring two topics for the future: Is it because I complain too much "why not me?" and "should we adopt?". For now, I still try to see the little things that bring me happiness, and I still get to hug all those cute little kids without the diaper changing :-)

"Forget about it, just go on a vacation and it will work" or the worse advice ever

I won't go into much detail about the first time I went to a fertility clinic because it was more than 4 years ago and I hated the experience, but I can tell you the general aspects.

I remember walking in and seeing walls of baby pictures, so many of them! Of course, they are telling you they helped bring to life all these babies, "this is our product - kids - and look at all of our success". You immediately start thinking that maybe, just maybe, you will be sending one of those pictures in 10 months or so. You feel happy about the idea of displaying your kid as one more product from the clinic, and you feel proud of it!

The first consultation is scary but all you get is the doctor telling you all the tests they are going to run on you, and the one test on your male counterpart, to figure out what's going on. "We are going to help you get a baby" they say, and you put all your hopes in them. The day of your period comes and you get to call the clinic to announce it (seriously, when did I become this person calling on the phone to announce I got my period?).

A few days later starts all the poking and probing. They take your blood and do invasive ultrasounds every day. You hold your pee (this is my least favourite) while they are late for your appointment and forbid you to go to the washroom. They have baby pictures everywhere you go (encouragement!), and they smile at you while you keep repeating to yourself "this is worth it".

The moment of the truth comes. The results are in, and you have an appointment to hear what the doctor found. I had been trying for 2 years to conceive, I was ready to hear just about anything wrong with me, and to see the light at the end of the tunnel with a treatment that would make my dream come true. I'm nervous and nauseous, but it's over, the mystery is no longer going to be a mystery.

The doctor says what I think at the moment is the worst/best thing I can hear: "there is nothing wrong with you". If there is nothing wrong, what is going on?! I was prepared for bad news, not for this. How can I fix "nothing wrong"?. Little did I know the news would get worse. The doctor continues "there is nothing we need to do here, go home, forget about it, go on a vacation at a beach or something, relax and it will happen". PLOP.

Yes, the doctor said to a woman trying to get pregnant for 2 years unsuccessfully to go home and relax, that was all needed.

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Let that sink in
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Four years later I'm still here, trying. No longer with the same partner, no longer with the same clinic or doctor. No longer with the same mentality I had in the past. Still searching. At least I got to go to the Caribbean because the doctor ordered it ;-)

Searching

Everyone searches for something at some point. My search right now is about getting pregnant, or accepting that I won't if that is what will happen. Searching for the knowledge once and for all of what is meant to be, what is destined for me.

I started searching years and years ago. I have been through many lows and through many highs not related to the baby department, but for which I am very grateful. I am on my quest in a second fertility clinic, and my soon to be second IUI. I want to share my path, my experiences, and what I learn and feel. I want to learn how you feel, what you know, what you lived to get to where you are.

I have many questions, most of which will have no answer until I find what I'm searching for, but if you are up for the ride, I would love to hear yours. If you are out there and reading, lets search together! This is my ride, but the company is always the best part of an adventure :)